Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
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I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS