Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
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“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.