Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
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WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
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*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?