Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
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covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Still cracks me up
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.