Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
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Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.