[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
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According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Good advice.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb