torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
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That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.