Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
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[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
I feel like one of these would kill a European
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?