My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
You Might Also Like
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”