I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
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I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.