All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
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I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
When I grow up, I want to be 16
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
it be like that
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.