Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
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Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
More like Kate Missington.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound