My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
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me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what