boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
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im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
This is me 🤣🤣
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
The cake is mightier than the sword.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?