Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
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The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.