‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
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Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out