You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
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OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home