Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
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I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.