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ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
#dnd #ttrpg