{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
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I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient