OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
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*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that