waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
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Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”