Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
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I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.