Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
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My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me