If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
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Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Siri, fight Alexa.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.