girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
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*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Bill is short for Billiam
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.