Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
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[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
My dog learned how to text
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Wait a minute
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”