You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
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I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Labreador
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one