My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
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PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.