Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
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It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*