I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
You Might Also Like
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”