Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
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Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off