“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
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That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.