Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
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doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.