Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
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wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.