I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
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And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Sorry. Not sorry
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”