This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
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Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.