BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
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I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.