Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
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GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Hit me in the face with a bird
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.