Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
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the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
*limbos under the caution tape
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl