Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
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Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
We’re all getting idioter.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.