A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
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“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
They must have gotten it to go.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”