To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
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We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
I need this for my side hustle.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.