Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
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“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]