ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
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My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Boom, boom, ching!
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.