I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
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Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?