My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
You Might Also Like
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
i love meeting boys on tinder
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me