My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
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Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT