[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
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I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.