Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
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Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Human are so complicated
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
accurate
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.